Monday, October 6, 2008

D-Day of Diabolical Dentistry

---FLASHBACK---
During the relatively cold month of December 2006, when the festive mood of the Karthigai season had invaded my mum's mind, little lamps of light (agal vilakku) found themselves strewn across the spread of the house. Little did any of these things know, that one of their kin was chosen to make my already messed up life all the more miserable.
A Monday night, as normal as any in my life so far..........but then again, as sleep starving i was, i strode down the hallway and started to ascend the usual flight of stairs to my room, when it happened. My right foot made contact with one of those darn lamps, housed ever so innocently at the very first step of the stairs and quite naturally, i slipped. And then as fate would have it, the repurcussions of a simple mistake of mine is amplified 50 fold and i end up ramming my upper jaw againt the staircase railing (lucky me!!!). two teeth shaking, one wondering whether or not to fall, profuse bleeding, hysterical parents.........Trust me, i was not a pretty sight to behold.
---END---

I ended up getting a "composite ligature wire splinting" and by the end of that complicated procedure, reduced to a guy having his food intake reduced to mashed fluids, next to nothing (I wonder how astronauts survive), straw fed, and was advised a future ROOT CANAL to add to my misery.

---Today---
It promised to be nothing different, i had to learn the outcome of a root canal that i have avoided so stealthily for near two years and as usual it always began with a compulsary tooth cleaning procedure.
An X-ray revealing the good maintenance of my dead front tooth prolonged the root canal.
SCORES: Me-1 dentist-0.
Well, something is on my side today, I thought. A thought that i would live to regret 15 minutes later.
I have had this cleaning process done maybe 3 times before, and they're not always the best experience in the world...............

It always starts with lowering the VICTIM chair ever so slowly till the patient is able the see the full face of the tortu- eh...dentist incharge.
If your bespectacled, they gotta come off first- they dont deserve your punishment.
Then they insert the SUCKER- first it makes your mouth bone dry, and once the doctor starts of, reduces the amount of liquid liable to clog your throat(yeh!!!!right, like that ever happens).
The machines in the clutches of the doctor comes next, one shaped like a pick-axe and the other a sprayer.
When this starts off, the patient is conscious of about 5 types of sounds made by the devices, once they come into contact with the teeth.

1. A sound made that causes a tingling sensation in the body as though everything in the world is dandy, peachy and fine.
2. A sound made which is not so pleasent, but still does enough to keep you sane.
3. A sound typically like KRRRR! KRRRR! when he starts to dig up your eating history, it's like pulling up your guilty conscience, from the root of the root.
4. Next, A feeling on the teeth accompanied by a sound reminiscent of polishing marbles for your house tiling, One of the nastier ones.
5. Here comes the worst of the lot, you know the kind the sounds made by dragging your nails across a blackboard or a key 'cross your car, the sort of sound that gives your GOOSEBUMPS THE GOOSEBUMPS, makes your hair stand on end, and make you to twitch uncontrollably.Well, itzzz back!!!!
The worst part is you cant even swallow your saliva(there's nothing left courtesy the SUCKER, and you cant even move your jaw, fearing what might go wrong if we did).

But maybe after the process is done, the patient now has a smile rivalling any model for a toothpaste advertisement......but as the proverb goes, EVERYTHING HAS A PRICE.

Today i found myself in a similar situation, begging for redemption of my sins past. But today things were different. In my previous encounters, once i spat out the crap and rinsed, 'twas all over.
Not today, he made me lean back again (oops, a feeling of dread eclipsed every emotion coursing through) and........."There's a cavity too" ( he said that as though it was an added bonus), "Want me to fill it up, or on any other day"(I didn't want another day ruined for it). "today, doctor"came my reply (i was feeling less braver by the passing second)

A reply to my mum's question of time as 15-20 minutes soothed my senses a bit.

But I got demoralised completely when i saw the amount and severity of the devices placed before me (It's a cavity, not an open heart surgery for christ's sake).
Once i saw the drill hovering over the proximity of my mouth, I did the only possible and logical conclusion i could make. I closed my eyes and prayed for it to end soon.

30 seconds into "Operation Cavity", a sneak peek revealed Seargent DRILL entering with nothing spare a maniacal menace, sending me into a tizzy.

45 seconds elapsed, nothing yet......and then a sharp pain shooting up inside of me as though a ruptured wound was being tormented on and over again without mercy, and it lasted for till near one and a half minute.

5 minutes later, i felt brave enough to open my eyes and i saw a blue colored syringe, causing me to close my eyes again, feeling sure never to open them again till i got the go ahead.
Then things did start to get better, you could actually feel something filling up inside you, like a mason filling up a hollow brick with cement, and affectionately patting it to see if it's stable.

I was then conscious of an obnoxious taste making its presence felt across my still dry mouth(the SUCKER took a liking to me) and then i realised this was the filling(well, they could have made it taste a bit better, i mean aarggghhh......ghastly!!!).
What followed suite was a gradual grinding across my tooth....(i still did not have the balls to open their counterparts high above)to see what new instruments of medical marvel my mouth was seeing.

After what seemed like 15-20 minutes in normal time....trust, it wont seem like that.....I got a final "wash your mouth" and my heart was back in its place again. My mouth overflowing with the gross fluid from the tube, made it impossible for me to talk to anyone reducing the risk of spitting at their faces. After all the complicated processes now made aware of, I got a small feeling the bill was not gonna be so pocket friendly, and i simply chose not to hear the total estimation, so as to clear my conscience of one thing less.

I started talking again after spitting a major chunk of GROSS, and could not help but think.......at the end of all this pure and pain(ful)less.

1. We always enjoy the food(non-inclusive of mess junk) we eat......BUT it's always the LEFTOVERS that are a problem.

2. This is the only place where we pay to be miserable......In effect, we feel sorry for all the bad things we had done in the past upto the moment we see the dentist playing with a smile with a drill in hand. So, it's more a temple in a weird sort of way (these sessions also mess with my mind, as can be seen by my thoughts).

3. FINAL SCORES: Me-1 dentist-108.

MORAL OF THE STORY: TOOTH IS BITTER................

IT'S ALRIGHT IF YOU DONT BRUSH YOUR TEETH, YOU MAY NEVER NEED A DENTIST.......BUT GOD FORBID, NEVER STEP ON ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES A "TOOTH TOOT GAYA"FROM YOU.

MAY THE TOOTH FAIRY NEVER VISIT YOU!!!!!!!!!.







4 comments:

Venkat Santhanam said...

Good Work Kikku....Impressed by your choice of words...

Shrinivas said...

Maams !! Awesome style of writing da !!! Great. I was in splits through out !! :-D Keep going.

Anirudh said...

brilliant!!!
Mind the humor, mister...else I'm gonna get addicted to these columns! .awe-some.

Anand Arasu said...

super post da... i've been visitin the dentist since childhood and have had abt 5 root canals done so far... so i can empathise with u...
keep the good writing rollin da...